I have been on quite the blogging break. Not really on purpose but
life and computer issues have gotten in the way. Hopefully I will be
able to catch up and stay up to date at least for a little while (at
least for the sake of recording things for the kids and scrapbooking
(whenever I get to that!). Motherhood always gets in the way of what I
what to do for my self. But I love it and although hard at times I
would never trade it. I have been working on this blog post for a little bit
and wanted to share.
I have been doing a
lot of thinking for the past few months. I feel like I have seen many
friends lost and hurting and it really has been hurting me. I know we
all struggle on a daily basis to get through life. I feel like by
sharing my struggles maybe, hopefully, others can be encouraged. Then
again, maybe I am just being arrogant in thinking that my experiences
matters but I am going to share anyway. I pray that it helps someone
who is hurting. If you read my blog, I am guessing you are a friend or
relative. I want you to know I pray for all my friends and relatives. I
am not always the best at making clear what I mean to say but I hope
these words can provide some wisdom into someone’s life. I hope that
you know that I want to be a good listener and am always up for talking
no matter the time of day. Even if it is at 2am (which I seem too often
spend doing just that). I am not promising I will say the right things
or even be a good guide but I do promise you my heart is in the right
place.
Motherhood: a job? a passion? a struggle?
To me it is all of the above and a LOT more. I absolutely LOVE being
called "Mommy." At the same time sometimes I just completely lose my
temper (and my sanity). It is the best and hardest thing I have ever
done in my life!
I have always been proud to be a hard worker. My mom and dad taught me
from the time I was a young girl that you don't get anywhere in life
without hard work. I had a job the day I turned 16. I use to volunteer
at a squadron on the Air Force base my Dad worked at 10 hours a week
for 2 years before I turned 16 plus volunteer at a cat shelter for 5
hours a week (I also continued to volunteer after I turned 16). I
worked a total of 40 hours per week the first summer of being 16
working two different jobs. I never shied away from hard work. Now
don't get me wrong, I didn't just do it because I loved working. I also
loved all the praise I got from my bosses. Working hard was very
gratifying to me.
I work REALLY hard at being the BEST mom in the world. I was always
afraid I wouldn't be a good mom. I know now after being a mom for 3
years that it is impossible for me to be the "best" or at least what I
thought was the best. I thought I could do it all -that is until I
became a mom. Being a mom is really hard. Yes there are benefits, for
instance I have gotten to “work” at the pool swimming with my son and
sister in law the first summer I had my "job" of being a mother. What
other job do you get to go to splash parks, the mall, playground, or
even run to the grocery store to get your own groceries while working?
Not many I can think of. When I say being a mom is hard I don't mean in
the same way being a construction worker or a bank managers job is
hard. It is hard because it is one of the few jobs you can't ever walk
away from when you feel have had enough of it. You can't tell your boss
you need a 15 minute break. You don't get raises. You don't get paid
vacations. You don't always even get a "Good job Krystle, boy was that a
tough day but you made it" from my children. Most people would also say
you don't get paid. You do get paid, just not in any standard
currency. You get paid in the best way, in LOVE. Love the best thing
in the world. Love is also the reason why motherhood is so hard. Being
a mom is the "job" I have had to put the most of my heart into.
Being a wife sometimes can be hard too but Josh and I can talk about
things when they go wrong and work through them (and no they are no
always resolved right away, things sometimes take time but at least we
can talk through them.) You can't talk though things all the time with a
3 year old or a 7 month old. I can't explain to Landon why I yelled
and screamed at him just because he didn't listen to me. I can't
explain to Arabella why I can't stop making her gums hurt even though I
know she wants my help. I have put more of my heart into being a mom
than any other job – and I still struggle with feeling like a failure. I
make so many mistakes. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep thinking about
all the "damage" I have caused my children by the mistakes I make.
Those always seem to be the nights when I also get woken up 5 times in
the middle of the night because of someone needing to nurse, a diaper
needs to be changed, or a scary dream needs to be chased away. I am not
even including my “job” of running a household and the overwhelming
feelings I have about never completing the seemingly never-ending lists
of tasks that pile up day after day in the home that about that.
I have help too, I have an amazing husband who does so many wonderful
things to help make my job easier. Just today he took both of the kids
while he cleaned the church. I KNOW it makes his job take a lot
longer. I know sometimes he has to go back the next day or in the
middle of the night just to finish because he has the kids with him. He
does things like that all the time without complaint. He also is a
super cheerleader for me. He thanks me for caring for his children
every day. I KNOW I have it great. Regardless, Satan has a field day
with my insecurities about being a good mom and a hard worker. He takes
those feelings and runs with them.
I also know that my Lord knows my struggles and His heart aches for my
pain, although some days it is REALLY hard for me to remember. He loves
me so much, more than I even love my own children (which is sometimes
really hard for me to believe.) He sees me at my best and at my
weakest. He knows all my faults but he still loves me. He knows that
as long as I seek Him (which I struggle with also) that I will be the
best mom I can be.
Being a mom isn't just a job, it is a God-given mission. I directly
impact two (and maybe in the future more) lives. As Landon and Arabella
grow up their foundation of beliefs and goals in life will be based on
my teachings, Josh's teachings and the love that we show them. Our love
will always be a reference of understanding to them of God’s love for
them. Even as a teacher I didn't have that much power over a person's
life. Being a mom isn't just a job, it is the most important spiritual
mission I will ever have in my life.
If you are a mom who has it all together, your house is always clean,
your children are always well behaved, your husband always has all of
his needs met, and you always have a smile on your face, and you find
time to sleep at night PLEASE PLEASE call me and tell me your secrets.
But if you are a mom and you have felt like me, remember you aren't
alone. Moms out there know the job isn't easy, and so does our Lord.
Think about what He goes through seeing us search for Him, making
mistakes and hurting ourselves and dealing with the consequences. Just
remember He loves us at our weakest.
